TF2: TFW
by ExistentialAngst
Summary: A collection of TF2 one shots written with dialogue made up entirely of in-game quotes! Extremely varied, gay fluff to murder mystery and everything in between. Nothing is safe. Hide your wife, hide your kids. Rating may change depending on where I go with this. Most recent chapter: Ze Übermensch Chronicles: First edition.


Hello readers! I feel like an introduction is in order, so here's a huge author's note

I'm starting this piece to both test my skills as a writer and enter the horrific and brutal wonderful and open world of fanfiction writing! This is going to be a series of one shots based around the lives of the mercs, but there's a twist! Every line of dialogue is going to be a direct quote from the actual game. No ifs, ands or buts. I'm going to try to keep the dialogue to its corresponding characters as much as possible, as well as avoid mashing together multiple pieces of different lines. I'm going to try to update regularly, but no promises!

There's gonna be a helluva lot of variety, everything from fluff to murder mystery.

Fair warning: Swearing, adultery, potential mild sexual themes/references, debauchery, the gay, inflammation, cough, rash, swelling, heart attack, stroke, and in rare cases death; ask your doctor if TF2: TFW is right for you.

Story notes: All mercs are BLU unless explicitly stated otherwise.

Without further ado, let's get started!

-.-.-

A cold, bitter wind filled the air that night. It was the air of a night that something could go very right, or it could go terribly, terribly wrong. The spy wasn't sure why it seemed that way, but as the soft, florescent glow enveloped his balaclava in a pink hue, he couldn't help but feel a shiver wretch its way down his spine. Kong King was a concrete jungle in the most profound sense. Even on this moonless night, light penetrated the sky and left the entire city bathed in its warmth. Even in this dark alley amongst the garbage, everything was perfectly visible.

A tinge of anger crossed his face as he heard _yet another_ loud crash coming from inside the building. It was a miracle nobody had heard them yet.

"Come on, I don't have all day!" hissed the spy, just loud enough to be heard by his accomplice. His vocalized annoyance was met with even more sounds of things being knocked over. So much for subtly.

His hand moved away from pinching the bridge of his nose when a sharp *click* was heard, followed by unintelligible sounds of excitement.

"I got it! I got it!" his partner practically cheered from inside the building. Through a seemingly veil of darkness, in contrast to the white gleam in the alley, the scout emerged with a small duffel bag strapped to his back. The bag was visibly stuffed, the occasional bill poking out here and there. He flicked his fedora out of his eyes as he flashed a grin, the bullet holes still visible from the _incident_.

It was something the spy still wasn't comfortable talking about. He'd never be able to look at bowling pins the same way again.

"Excellent." replied the spy, a sinister yet playful growing on his face. "Well, the moment has passed, back to work!" he announced, sending a pointed thumb in the direction of their getaway van.

"That's what I'm talkin' about!" the scout agreed impishly, their wayward chuckles soon grew into full-fledged laughter that filled the night air. As the spy made his way into the driver's seat, the scout was surprised as something crashed into him and knocked his hat right off his head. Turning around to retrieve the hat, confusion swept over him as he found the small aggressor to have been a dove; a dove that had now perched on the fedora. Brushing aside his confusion, the scout shooed the bird away and picked up the hat.

As he placed the item back onto his head, he watched as the dove flew off in the opposite direction. His eyes followed it, squinting as it flew to a high building. He mouthed a confused 'what?' as he noticed just where the dove was going. A dark, vaguely humanoid figure was standing on top of the building, the bird landed on their outstretched finger. A bright, artificial light beamed from behind, leaving them as only an ominous, black silhouette.

Suddenly, their head turned to face him. Light from the city reflected brightly off of two dark circles, a pair of tinted lenses that covered their eyes.

Goosebumps formed on his skin, a shiver of anxiety and fear traveled throughout his body as his face fell. He spun on a dime and practically leapt into the passenger seat, not even bothering to lock the door.

"Go go go!" he shouted to the spy, only to be met with a confused expression. The spy looked out of the side window out of curiosity, only to widen his own eyes in shock as they met with the glare of that same supernatural pair of lenses. Tires screeched and skidded on the concrete as he slammed his foot on the pedal. The van barreled out of the alley and did a sharp right turn onto the asphalt; it picked up speed as it weaved through Kong King's congested streets. Fright pulsed through their veins as they drove off. It took several minutes of uneventful getaway level driving for their nerves to begin to recede. The spy breathed a calm sigh of relief; he gave a tried gaze to his partner, who returned the expression.

It came as a surprise to both of them as a low *clang* resounded from the top of the van, and a visible indention being left in the top. They exchanged a concerned glance. The scout didn't even have time to scream as he was pulled from his seat out the window by a pair of thick, gloved hands. Muffled sounds of struggle could be heard from the surface as the spy shrieked in horror.

"Ooh yeah, you're real scary." said the scout, seemingly trying to sound brave. Squelching and fleshy noises followed, "My blood! H-he punched out _all_ my blood!" The metal roof of the van couldn't hide the sounds of agony.

The spy was starting to hyper-ventilate, quickly rolling up the windows. Terror flowed out of his mouth as a dark, inhuman figure crashed onto the windshield, blocking his view. He swerved right and left, trying to throw them off. The sounds of breaking glass and crunching metal accompanied him as he blacked out.

-.-.-

He woke up shortly after in a haze. Everything hurt; the world around him was a blur as he blinked his eyes open. His head was on its side; his vision was directed out the now broken window. As everything began to sharpen, he saw them.

Those same cold, soulless eyes, seemingly white from the glare. A curved beak was connected to it, forming an ornamental plague doctor mask. The bird-like covering was accompanied by a black brim hat and exceptionally dark aura. A flash of fear crossed his features, but his eyes softened after a few seconds as he gave an exhausted sigh.

"Augh…merde…" he said, before blacking out again.

Rain began to trickle onto the busy city landscape. The figure began to turn and walk away from the site; he stopped when a dove landed on his finger. Holding the bird to their ear, they turned and walked off, the sounds of distant police sirens filling the air.


End file.
